Josh Kim dot Org

Yeap. It’s final. No matter how well things went… they went with a more senior candidate. I guess that’s not that bad… but I really want to keep in close contact with Erik Hendrickson… he seems like he’s the “key to the mint” in Raj’s words. Definitely the doorkeeper to all things awesome and Apple. Such a friendly guy… And now… I am set. Even more than 75%… now more like 90%… that I’ll be here. With jobs popping up (I might get a third eventually, doing the same stuff with the water quality collection) here and there… I want to stay.

Reasons? People. Church. Atmosphere. Possibility for an MBA. Growth.

Growth? Yeah, growth. I feel like I’ll be able to become more independent and more responsible as I’m a bit away from my family. I feel like I’ve been very dependent, not in the sense that I was living at home now and then, but also mentally. I had a phone call with my dad today, and it seemed like he was… hmm… he wasn’t disappointed that I didn’t get the Apple job, but that he wanted something better for me. He sees that getting a stable job in a big firm is the best way to go. He likened my situation to soldiers being trained for the army, and I’m the one that wants to stay back in the barracks.

While I don’t think he’ll ever get the side of me that wants to continue freelancing. Freelancing is very… freeing. Just yesterday night… I worked like 6 hours straight to finish up a template for a job. I freaking enjoyed every second of it, even though I pulled out all my hair, dealing with silly mistakes and browser incompetences. I don’t mind living like this for a year or two.

At the end of our conversation, my dad stressed that I don’t have to report to him as much, that I just need to show the outcome. I think it’s true that I love my parents dearly and really want their support… almost… require it. I need to move away from that and be more forceful in the way I live my life.

To be less fearful… to be more fearless. In all things. Not just the relationship with my parents, but with friends as well.

I find it extremely difficult to show my weaknesses. I hide them deep, wrap them in conundrums and surround them with booby traps, so that maybe… possibly… when that person comes and pokes around…

Ugh. Sappy. Okay, the point? I listen to the words of those that I love. And I have way too much love to give… I’m a ticking bomb of love, just waiting to explode in ways of time, thought, money, service… But the question is… what’s appropriate to give and to whom should I give to?

And why the heck am I asking these questions? Can’t I just put them in a box and go get some work done? Hmm.

Faith: God puts exactly the right amount of things on my plate to think about. I have not had to and will not have to feel I’m being crushed at the weight of my own thinking. Wow. I never thought about it that way before… I think just enough… because God “blessed” (no matter how much I think of it as a curse sometimes) me with such a brain with a penchant for over-analyzing.

And so, onwards to the next fight. To the next battle.

The weekend awaits.