I prayed for growth. I did. In all areas… I prayed for growth.

But I forgot again how painful and extremely difficult growth can be.

I had a very nice talk with an older brother in Christ, Danny Kim, yesterday night. He listened and helped me recognize many deep-rooted problems I have. I’ll share the most important.

Control. You see… even through hard work, even through time, even through emotional investments… sometimes things just don’t work out. Relationships don’t. No matter how careful I was… the relationships just didn’t.

I wasn’t happy with the outcome, so I kept trying… refusing to give up on myself. Wow, look at that selfishness.

But who am I to do that? No matter how noble the cause might have been, this is that Perfectionistic Josh Kim returning to bat.

2 Peter 1:5-11 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is near-sighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

Therefore my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

This verse could not have come at a better time. I have a somewhat strong faith, I have some goodness (or good intentions… maybe kinda… sorta…), I have just a tiny bit of knowledge… but this is where the conditional statements stop applying to me. It’s seems like it’s one costly battle after another… and all the way at top of the mountain is love. Oh, how unproductive I’ve become because these relationships have hit me so hard.

Today’s a little different though. I’ve begun to keep crawling. I know for a fact… through faith… that this will all come to pass. These feelings of anxiety, depression… slight anger and frustration… all will come to pass.

Faith. Goodness. Knowledge. Self-control. Perseverance. Godliness. Brotherly kindness. Love

All I can do now is pray about them.

God… if this were to have happened last year… oh man, that would have been an interesting hole.