Ever since I can remember, I’ve struggled with ulterior motives. Mine, and the ones of other that I’ve assumed. Straight out judging others based on what I believed to be correct and right.
Of course, as I’ve grown, judging others has died down. I’ve been seeing people more and more for who they are, embracing the negatives and positives equally: Part of loving people is to accept, but at the same time, strengthen and sharpen one another. (Proverbs 27:17)
But I can’t shake this nagging self-judgement… the standards are high for myself to continue to do and not do certain things. I consider highly the opinions and feelings of those that I choose to love and those that choose to love me.
An older brother of mine rebuked me… and it couldn’t have come at a better time.
Stop focusing on the “Dah!”s. Focus on “Blessing”s and just accept the “Dah”s. It’s not going to be gone until either I die or Christ returns… it’s just my sinful nature. Even with a billion excuses…
This viewpoint on my sin has been changing me. Retreat really helped me to see that as I see things more and more through the eyes of God, I start to think less and less of the ways I fall, the ways I sin. Rather than focusing on getting rid of the problem, I need to choose actively to seek out the solution.
It seems like it’s an easy way out: It almost seems like I’m avoiding the problem, at times. But really, the solution is clear: I’m not going to be rid of these sins. Judging others. Lying. Coveting. Lusting. Pride. Judging others. Judging others.
But it comes back to this… I’ve been set free by God. I’ve been redeemed through Christ.
Application from this lesson? I’m going to go to MP daily. No more of this “but I don’t want to because other people will think of me this way or that way”. Forget that. To grow… to be blessed… this is what I want. Yes, prayer is doable all over the place.
The problem with the way I’ve done morning prayer is that I went downstairs, avoiding all the people. No longer. I’m going to pick a spot. And not move for an hour. I want to hear the words, the grunts, the sighs, the tongues, the cries… of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and be amazed. See, that’s why I should go. Not because of just what I’ll be doing… but being a part of the community.
If you’re going to judge me, trust me on this: I’ve judged myself to oblivion. You can’t do any further damage than what I’ve done to myself.
This is it. Yet another day. Yet another month. Yet another year. It’s time to fight. Fight myself.